The Mother/Daughter Relationship

A mother’s eyes are the first we see and hers is the first secure touch we feel when we enter this world. As grown women, we seek nothing less than to be like our mothers, but by the time we have become a teenager and our mother is insisting we dress appropriately and doesn’t seem to care about our opinions or feelings, we rebel. We swear that we’ll never be like our mother, then in the next moment we seek to win her approval.

Later, as adults taking care of our own families, careers, children we realize we are more like our mothers than we ever cared to admit. And, whether right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. She’s our mother and when she observes that our haircuts or our boyfriends are all wrong, it isn’t to criticize, it’s for our own good. In her heart we deserve the ring, the prince and the white picket fence. Then one day we realize we are now mothers because our clothes reek of baby spit. Our lack of sleep, sex drives and me-time are the norm, and our mother has morphed into Glenda—the good grandma of the west. Our kids find her fascinating, funny and brilliant. She sings wonderful songs, bakes delicious cookies and tells wild stories about faraway lands and magical animals. While struggling to live up to the standard of motherhood we believe she judges us by, we somehow realize it is completely self-imposed.

If we, as mothers and daughters are fortunate, something occurs that changes relationships forever. It may happen while dancing around the house together or laughing at things no one else in the world would find funny. In that instant, preconceived roles fade away and we discover each other as women. For the first time, we are able to view our mothers as women who have songs of triumph and sadness; who have found, savored, basked in and lost love. Our mothers are travelers, workers, achievers and fabulous Mambo dancers; mothers have souls and are doing the best they can.

One day it changes again. Suddenly our moms have trouble walking and getting around quickly, but we still need them to be our rocks, someone we can fight with yet still go shoe shopping with. After so many years on the planet they have declared themselves emancipated and refuse to cater to anyone. Moms can hang up the phone and tune us out when we disagree, yet brag about us to all their friends.

No man ever understands the Mother/Daughter relationship. How could they? We don’t always understand it ourselves. Better for the men to just get out of the way and let us work it out ourselves. More than any other, the Mother/Daughter relationship shapes our self-esteem and our sense of who we are as women. It is our most precious relationship, as it links us to the generations of women before us and those who are yet to come.

Jessica Walter and daughter, Brooke Bowman
Jessica Walter, Emmy winning actress most recently seen as the snobbish, egocentric mother, Lucille Bluth, on the award winning “Arrested Development.” Jessica made her screen debut in Clint Eastwood’s first directing effort, Play Misty for Me, as the psychotic, obsessed Evelyn. Brooke Bowman, Vice President of Programming, ABC Family.

When asked if her mother, Jessica Walter is anything like the crazy character she played on “Arrested Development,” Brooke replied, “She’s very much like Lucille. My mom has a wonderful sense of humor along with her glamorous side! She’s a much better mother than Lucille but she shares her huge personality.” Jessica and Brooke love to laugh especially while shopping and dining out— and both adore swimming. “My mom has much more energy than I do,” but I am a bit more sensitive. I seriously considered acting while growing up but I just knew I couldn’t handle the rejection.” Her mom and stepfather, actor, Ron Leibman, always encouraged Brooke to follow her heart. My mom always said, “If you think you can do something else well, do it, because this is a rough path to take.”

“Brooke was my best production!” laughs Jessica. “She traveled with me before she started school but after that, I made sure to choose any location work very carefully and would fly my mother in to be with my daughter.” Jessica’s late mother was an immigrant from the Soviet Union. Their relationship was loving, but volatile. “I got my strong personality and work ethic from her and I will be forever grateful to all the women from that era. Their struggle made the American Dream possible for the rest of us.”

 

The Father/Daughter Relationship

Whether he is Archie Bunker or Ward Cleaver, a girl’s father is the first romance of her life. He is there to protect, advise and provide for his daughter. How he relates to her mother and the way he treats her, predispose a young girl to future relationships.

A woman often marries a man who reminds her of her father, though not always consciously. If her father was abusive, statistics show that a woman is at risk of marrying the same type of man. If he was the silent type, she may subconsciously choose a man who has difficulty expressing his emotions or sharing his innermost feelings. Or, if the dad relied on his wife’s strength, there’s a good chance that a woman will choose a needy partner to try to share her life with. A woman tends to view her father’s traits and actions as normal male behavior and often assumes that what she has is the best she will ever get.

On the other hand, a daughter whose father loves, protects and pays attention to her learns about healthy intimacy. She values herself enough to expect the kindness, respect and consideration that he showed her mother. But what about the girl whose father meant well but tended to trip over his good intentions? Can the child who lost her father at a young age move beyond her fear of abandonment or will her relationships take on a pattern designed to protect her from the pain of rejection and losing love? What of the girl who never knew her father? Can she learn to be an independent woman or will she spend her life looking
for “Daddy”?

You can change these patterns by learning to embody the very qualities you seek in men. Choose those good qualities espoused by your father and seek to replicate them in your partner.

1. Identify the quality you most desire in a man.

2. Look for those qualities within yourself.

3. Ask yourself what three behaviors a man who possesses a desired     quality would demonstrate.

4. Now ask yourself: Do you demonstrate these behaviors? The more     attention you place on changing yourself, the more likely you are to     attract the kind ofman you want.

By modeling the strengths of your father while developing the qualities he lacked, you will move beyond the limiting patterns you have learned. In doing so, you will also learn to forgive your father’s limitations, honor his struggles and recognize his many gifts to you.

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