You know what’s upsetting? Those messages from the media and society at large that an older women shouldn’t be too sexy or too vigorous or too interested in life, that it’s not ladylike. Part of our problem is that many of us still see ourselves the way we saw our grandmothers — sexless and frail. We need to fight that societal stereotyping. Sex is not just for the young. Men and women can have active, fulfilling sex lives into their nineties. In fact, some women become more orgasmic in their later years.

We baby boomer women came of age believing we had a right to sexual pleasure, and that belief is not about to evaporate at age 65 or 75. Even so, some of us are just as happy without sex. Close ties with friends and family are as important to quality of life as sex is for some women. Of course, getting older does bring certain physical changes that can cause problems, but fortunately those problems can usually be treated.

There’s a difference between being sexy and having sex—one is an attitude and the other is a physical act. The image of the older woman as sexless needs some rethinking. I know plenty of “sexy” older women. Perhaps you’re one of them. While sags and bulges don’t necessarily symbolize sex as well as firm young skin does, there are more intrinsic qualities that create the sexual chemistry that attracts us to each other. Sex is not just as it is portrayed in the movies—sweaty and crazy. It is a lot more than that and it’s defined by our stage in life. It’s an expression of our connection to our partner and connection to ourselves. If you choose to and you’re interested, you can be sexual until you die.

The good news is that sex does change as we age. For instance, around 50, men tend to become more emotional about lovemaking, and they start seeking more closeness and intimacy. Women, on the other hand, become more independent and assertive. Even so, some women don’t understand that their partners will need more foreplay and a little more understanding during sex. On the other hand, you may resent having to give more at this point in your life. If you’ve been harboring resentment over issues you haven’t confronted as a couple, you may not be willing to give more.

Did you know that many men have the same strong feelings about aging as women do —the fears, the anxiety—and they’re just as self-conscious about their pot bellies as you may be about the fat on your thighs? There are some steps you can take to feel good about yourself if you’re just beginning a sexual relationship. Until you feel secure with the man you’re sexually involved with, you can hide your sagging arms with sleeves. You don’t have to wear a short nightgown if your knees are knobby. After a while, when you’re feeling confident in the relationship and feeling better about your older body, strut around the bedroom nude if you want to with your head held high. Self-acceptance is sexy. Also, people who work out feel better about their bodies, plus working out releases brain chemicals that make you feel energetic and happy.

Life circumstances can get in the way of a fulfilling sex life. At this age you may find yourself in either an empty nest or an overpopulated one where an older child has returned home, or
in-laws and elderly parents are living with you.

After 50, looks are less important than intelligence, a sense of humor, and a sense of style. Sex in a committed relationship is important—but more important for men than for women. Over age 50, the quality of sex depends much more on the overall quality of a relationship than it does for young couples.

Frequent sex may help you live longer. Sex burns calories, works muscles, and boosts the body’s immune system. Sex can even relieve pain by releasing endorphins and producing cortisone. Vaginal lubrication is less of a problem for women over 60 who regularly have sex
or masturbate.

A study of 18- to 101-year olds showed that a good sex life can actually make you look younger as well as feel younger. The persons who reported having the best sex lives looked four to seven years younger than their real age. Good sex also helps both physical and mental health by reducing stress, providing relaxation, and enhancing contentment.

Can sex get any better with age? Absolutely. There’s more physical pleasure, more free time, no concern about pregnancy, no children at home (hopefully). People accept their bodies, they experiment, they understand their desires—sex becomes more than a mad, furious rush to perform the act. For couples who understand it, the slowing of sexual response can be an advantage. They tend to get more in sync. Bad sex won’t become good sex simply because you’re older. But it can be great sex if you communicate with your partner, and if you learn that intimacy means there are no questions you should ever be afraid to ask.

Not everyone over 50 chooses to or can have sex. Perhaps you have a long history of lack of interest in or fear of sexual intercourse; or the desire is there but there’s no opportunity to meet a potential sexual partner. No matter what the cause, countless older couples are living happy, contented lives without sex. As we age, we need access to a larger physical repertoire such as touching, caressing, kissing and other expressions of physical affection. As our bodies change, so too do the ways that help us feel good.

The hormonal shifts of menopause can have an effect on one’s sex life. Like a lot of women, when menopause arrived, my interest in sex left but after a while my desire came back. A substantial body of research has exploded decades of mythology about female sexuality. Libido requires a good supply of testosterone in women as well as in men, and there is a testosterone cream that women can use to help with libido. Don’t be afraid to discuss issues in your sex life with your doctor or gynecologist. In fact, you may have to initiate the discussion; your doctor may not bring up this touchy subject, because many medical professionals still don’t think of older people as sexual beings.

AIDS cases are rising more than twice as fast among older persons as young adults. You undoubtedly realize that anyone who has unprotected sex is taking a risk. But did you know that more than 13 percent of Americans who have AIDS are over age 50? Divorcees and widows who are reentering the dating scene after a long hiatus may be especially at risk.

In our older years, sexual desire doesn’t just happen. Most women have to be physically stimulated in order to feel desire for their partner. Ironically, this can mean that women who think they need to be in the mood to have sex might in fact need to have sex to get in the mood. To rekindle desire treat sex as play and exhibit your sensual personality.Use hugs, kisses, and gentle caresses to show tenderness. Emotional rewards can be as fulfilling as physical ones. Be creative. Planting a garden, baking bread, building a piece of furniture—or any creative activity — can rev up your sex drive.

Women who have enjoyed sex in the past will likely continue to do so. Single women have told me that when they want sex, they have it with themselves. Women need to know and be comfortable with the fact that they can take care of their sexual needs. Even if you don’t have a man in your life, you are still a sexual being. •