It was a spectacular June day—crisp and clear; and it was also my birthday. The sun seemed especially bright, looking out at it through despairing eyes. For the past year, my heart had been telling me, “Leave. He doesn’t treat you right.” But I didn’t have the wherewithal to listen. Today, it upped the ante, telling me that if I didn’t leave, I would become physically ill. My birthday present to myself was to finally follow my heart’s wise advice. So I packed my bags (which I had done twice before), and somehow put one foot in front of the other and walked out the door…and into my wonderful new life.

From this experience, I learned just how miserable I had allowed myself to become by choosing not to follow my inner voice, and that I would never not follow it and make these wrong choices again. It was time to start trusting myself—once and for all—so that I could start living the happy, fulfilling life I truly wanted and knew I deserved. Why is it so difficult for us to follow our inner voice? For one thing, it can be very scary. Let’s face it. Change can be frightening. We’re all looking for guarantees, and there aren’t any. So, rather than finding the courage to trust our hearts so that we can have the best life, we take the (seemingly) safer, easier road, and settle for a life of mediocrity. How many times have we not listened to our hearts and paid dearly for it later?

Another reason we don’t follow our inner voice is that we don’t trust it. In other words, we don’t trust ourselves. This shouldn’t come as a surprise. Straight from our mother’s knee, women—especially—are taught that other people know what is better for us. For example, when our inner voice tells us that we deserve to have a loving relationship, a nurturing career or those Ann Taylor shoes we’ve been eyeing for months, many of us think that if we listen, that means we’re being selfish.

Believing we’re selfish if we want things for ourselves is just one of thousands of messages we’re bombarded with each day. There are messages from friends and family telling us we’re “too this” or “too that.” Things we read in books and magazines (or hear and see on the radio and television) tell us we should “do this” and shouldn’t “do that.” The fashion industry dictates what we should wear—even how our bodies should look. No one can tell you what’s right for you. You must be the judge of that.

Some of us have completely lost our connection to our inner voice. Those outside influences are so powerful—they are drummed into us, convincing us they are right. Unfortunately, too often we listen to the ones that make us afraid to be the best person we know we can be. We listen to our heads instead of our hearts.

The key is to find a healthy balance between listening to your head and your heart. Take in all that you experience. Weigh the pros and cons. Then look to your heart, because your heart’s wisdom is like an inner compass guiding you in the right direction. It shows you choices that are truly right for you, regardless of what outside influences may be saying.

You can begin to recognize and trust your heart’s messages (or deepen your recognition and trust) by learning the “language of the heart.” When you do, you’ll also learn how to differentiate your heart’s messages from outside influences. Once you can recognize and practice following your heart, you’ll gain the strength you need to follow it every day. Then you can truly have the best possible life by making the right choices.

By learning the “language of the heart,” you’ll discover that your heart’s messages have unique characteristics, such as its intention. You will notice key words and phrases that crop up again and again. Focus on how your body feels when your heart speaks to you. You will appreciate your heart’s gentle, loving tone—even when it’s prodding you to make an unfamiliar choice.

If you’d like a little push start, here are five simple steps you can take to learn how to connect (or deepen your connection) with your heart’s wisdom:

1. Make the decision to make a change, so you can improve your life. We can all wait until Monday to get started, but Monday will never come unless you make the decision to improve the quality of your life right now. (You’ll come to see that your heart’s messages will tell you how to do it.)

2. Begin to look for and understand any differences between what your heart and your head tell you, with regard to the characteristics mentioned above. (For example, after you ate that second piece of chocolate cake, did you feel more or less empowered and in control of your life?)

3. Practice by paying attention to these differences in characteristics. (And be prepared. Once you begin to recognize and trust your heart, your head will most definitely rear its ugly head, saying, “What’s one more piece of chocolate cake?” Expect this to happen.) Then pay even closer attention to the choices you make.

4. Begin to notice the inner battle that often occurs between your head and your heart. Feel how empowering it is to choose the path of following your heart’s message.

5. The next time your heart tells you to do something that is hard to do, take the risk and do it!