None of us receive formal training for how to date effectively or how to create a passionate long-lasting marriage. Therefore, the full burden of our desire for a satisfying love and passionate romance tends to fall on Valentine’s Day, with Cupid, The Florist and The Candy Maker trying to fill the bill. However, when fantasies of perfect romance, perfect gifts and perfect love-making collide with not-so-perfect reality, love loses out to broken dreams and broken hearts.

You can easily take the challenge out of Valentine’s Day. All it takes is a change in consciousness—the realization that your date, your partner, your spouse is not you. You are two unique individuals who will see and do things differently.

Several years ago on Valentine’s Day, Judith was at the counter of a pharmacy when a florist delivered two dozen red roses to one of the female clerks. The flowers were beautiful. The clerk’s face was not; as she barely contained her displeasure. Another customer commented that she didn’t seem happy with the flowers. Her response? “Oh, they’re from my husband. He does the same thing every year. It’s boring.”

The young woman was not only disappointed; she was also ruining her marriage. Why? She assumed her husband should know exactly what she liked and what she wanted without ever having to tell him. From her point of view, he should be just like her—then he would know exactly how to please her. She wouldn’t have to say a word, and he would automatically know not to send the same flowers each year even though she had oohed and aahed over his roses when they celebrated their first Valentine’s Day together.

You may be thinking, “But that would spoil the romance.” Yet, what romance exists in this example that could be ruined? Rather, it is her silence, her presumption that she does not have to recognize her husband across the distance of their differences, that is the fundamental obstacle to the true romance she wants.

Typically, differences are blamed for relationship failure, but in reality they are the only true way to experience deep intimacy and real romance. The fact is, it’s the way you treat the differences that either makes or breaks your relationships.

So should you receive something this Valentine’s Day that you don’t like, treat the love expressed by the gift with respect. Then speak up graciously and explain what it is that is not to your taste. If the item can be returned, by all means take it back. And do it together. That way you can enjoy the intimacy of each other’s presence during the vulnerability of this transaction. Your invitation makes it clear how much you appreciate the loving thought of the gift. At the same time you will be expressing your desire to be known and loved for who you really are. And wouldn’t that be a Valentine’s gift worth giving and receiving?

We know a couple who live near Denver. The day after Valentine’s Day two years ago, she was driving into the mountains for a conference. The snow was particularly thick, and the roads were dangerous. Her husband decided to buy her four new snow tires as his Valentine’s gift. Rather than embrace his care for her well-being, she voiced the typical complaint that he wasn’t very romantic. Yet, how more romantic could he be than to take action to insure that the woman of his heart would return to him safe and sound?

The problem is, even though there have been significant changes in the way men and women relate to one another, Valentine’s Day is still considered a day when predominantly men give gifts to women. This is changing, but society must evolve a new understanding of romance to broaden its meaning and allow for a full range of romantic, loving expression. In this way, Valentine’s Day could be viewed as an equal opportunity for men and women to experience the tenderness of both giving and receiving.

To help do this, the unconscious narcissism in the two examples above can be avoided if you follow two of love’s simple secrets: First, receive the love that comes to you even if it is in a different form than you expected. Remember, Valentine’s Day is a day of love, and love comes in many packages. Second, if you are disappointed, keep in mind that the other person is not you. Open yourself by using simple curiosity to find out the other side of the story.
For example:

• What did the clerk’s husband believe was important about having red roses delivered to her at work every year?

• What were the thoughts and feelings of the man in Denver when he chose tires as an expression of romance?

If you are the one whose gift is a disappointment, open your curiosity to find out why. A sincere desire to know your partner is a gift that builds a loving bridge across the differences. If this distance is ignored, it can eventually destroy any love that was once there. With the heartfelt gift of curiosity, new understanding and deeper intimacy are born from the fertile soil of the clash of two people’s differences. When you open your heart to receive, you are able to stay in reality and are not smitten with a fantasy that the other person can never live up to. “Curiosity” and “receiving” are two of the most powerful aphrodisiacs!

From time to time we will all be disappointed, but that provides an opening to gain deeper awareness, to learn more about the depth and honesty of your own love and about who your partner really is. Then you can teach one another about how you would like to celebrate Valentine’s Day and other special times in the future. You are active in the creation of your special romance, not a victim of your secret expectations.

This year, make sure you are available for the love you want. Be generous in your giving and, more importantly, stay open to be loved in ways you’ve never considered. Remember, it’s only through the magic of your differences that you can both be loved for who you really are.